REVIEW: BOOK OF ELI

Well folks, COMEDY N CHAOS has done it again - beating me to the next review.  Behold: his words of wisdom (or warning?) for BOOK OF ELI... along with some other most valuable anecdotes!

Movies like this always make me want to eat with my hands.  I’m not talking about finger foods, where you’re supposed to eat with your hands.  I’m talking about cooking a chicken whole and pulling it to pieces with your fingers.  Maybe letting out a grunt or two along the way.  And eating a side of potatoes with your hands too. 

That’s about the most I got out of this movie.  Was it awesome?  No.  It was actually pretty bad.  But it was the kind of pretty bad I wanted.   That 13-year-old kid in me still likes a Van Dam movie kind of bad.  My girlfriend would have walked out of it.  But it pleased me on some adolescent level. 

Also, it was about 8 degrees on Saturday when I saw it.  I cleaned my apartment and had nothing to do for a few hours.  The movie had caught my eye initially, Denzel is always good, and Gary Oldman is in it.  So those are two positives.  And you ‘ve got the end of the world, and The Book, which makes it some kind of religious movie.  So that’s cool.  And Denzel is walking around slicing people’s heads off.  And Mila Kunis is a babe, even when it looks like she hasn’t showered in years.  And yes, I’m defending it, because on so many levels it needs defending.

The Savagery of the movie was there.  But if you want to be depressed, this wasn’t the movie for that either.  It wasn’t High Art, by any means.  But I liked it. If for only one reason:  This OCD woman at work hounds me on this long running project.  All day long.  35 emails a day—just thoughts—not like email used to be where it was and emailable letter with a beginning, middle and end.  Email has now turned into a Twitter feed.  So I get nonstop thoughts from this woman.  She’s not my boss, but I have to read her emails.  So it gets annoying as all hell.  Well, she loves cats.  She has two, and usually has a 3^rd and 4^th around the apartment from rescue shelters that she “adopts.”  She’s 40, no kids, no man in her life.  Just these cats.  She has a blog about these cats.  About all things cat.  Give her a lull in the conversation and it turns to cats.  So at the beginning of the movie, the opening shot has a cat in it.  It’s in the woods, It’s snowing.  Camera pans left, pans over a dead body.  The cat approached the dead body. A toe is exposed.  The cat hunkers in for a meal. And cut to Old Eli, poised just ten yards from the body.  Bow and Arrow poised, ready for the kill.  Release, thwack, meow.  And the cat is over an open flame, roasting away.  Eli’s nibbling at it, and a mouse pops out and he even gives the mouse some cat!  I laughed out loud.

I think that about sums it up.  Childish revenge.  Release from reality.  A shitty ending.  Man, it was pretty bad.  But you can see it for yourself when you’re feeling that youngster within pull at you for some ass kicking.  And then come home and eat dinner with your hands.  See what your girl thinks of that.  Reach out and take some of that salad and munch on it with your fingers.  It’s cold as hell outside, it might heat things up a bit.  Nothing wrong with a little Holy Hell stirred up on cold Saturday night in January, over a bottle of wine.  With the Apocalypse just around the corner, better enjoy it before it’s gone.