THE DEFINITIVE OSCAR RUNDOWN

The 2009 ACADEMY AWARDS held very few surprises. Maybe you could stretch it and call PENELOPE CRUZ's victory a surprise - maybe even SEAN PENN's - but there was no clear cut favorite in either category (despite the incessant lull over ROURKE and WINSLET - the latter of whom incidentally was awarded a trophy later in the evening). No, this year the surprises came with the NOMINATIONS - so before we can get into the show itself, let's first revisit that fateful JANUARY 22ND 2009 - the true day the ACADEMY showed its colors.

Beginning with the most obvious snubbing, THE DARK KNIGHT (TDK): So infrequently does a motion picture resonate with a global audience, that it's happened maybe fewer than 5 times in the past 3 decades. And before anyone goes down the "the ACADEMY won't reward blockbusters" path - let me clear my throat before saying, TITANIC (11 WINS). Was TDK a superior film to TITANIC? Almost in no way. But what is curious and frustrating is that TDK was stripped even of an OSCAR NOD. How on earth is that possible? Even STAR WARS - back in 1977 - a period of time some could argue the ACADEMY was more strict. Even then, in 1977 - STAR WARS was a BEST PICTURE NOMINATION. You know why? Because it deserved it. This portion could go on for hours - but suffice to say the snubbing began with TDK in the PICTURE, DIRECTOR, SCORE, and COSTUME.

And the snubbing continued. THE WRESTLER was absent from both PICTURE, DIRECTOR and ORIGINAL SONG (BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN anyone?). In it's place was THE READER - a paltry box office dud only released (one would imagine) to showcase WINSLET'S performance. So reward her PERFORMANCE instead of universally celebrating a picture 98% of movie audiences haven't seen. And enough of the "a motion picture doesn't have to be seen in order to be good" arguement. Why the heck else would a film be made if not to be seen? Also clogging the pipelines was FROST/NIXON - a picture that unsurprisingly went on to win .. NOTHING. Other less noteworthy snubs would include GRAN TORINO, LET THE RIGHT ONE IN and a variety of actor/actress roles that could be endlessly debated. So we won't.

Onto the show itself. HUGH JACKMAN did a fair-to-good job of hosting - although my complaints with him are rooted in the show's writing rather than his execution. And much as I adored the BAZ LUHRMANN choreographed songs and sequences - something felt too TONY'Sish for me and by the time BEYONCE was stuttering through a mosh-up of musicals, I almost wished she'd just sing SINGLE LADIES and get the heck off the stage. Speaking of the stage - the set was magnificent. From the arch of crystal strung together, to the ever-changing (in both color and pattern) presentation floor - to the oddities you find on an everyday film set, the art direction was perfect. Not as perfect? The editing of our 2008 montage recaps. Stomaching the 2008 ANIMATION montage was a chore and it appeared the ACADEMY restricted itself to some five pictures (one a Star Wars film no one saw) and a never ending amount of martially arts gifted PANDA. The 2008 ACTION montage was much better but the 2008 ROMANCE montage almost had me in stitches when they highlighted a scene from TDK - a motion picture I wouldn't traditionally (or heck, even untraditionally) consider romantic.

Among the highlights of the show were the moments Hollywood took to jab at itself. Whether it was HUGH JACKMAN slamming the ACADEMY for nominating THE READER over TDK - or BEN STILLER mocking the once-great JOAQUIN PHOENIX - the lightness of the show partly redeemed the darkness of its errs. STILLER didn't survive unscathed either thanks to REESE WITHERSPOON connecting a swift uppercut when she recalled an anecdote that had STILLER in a tirade, holed up in his trailer, refusing to speak and halting production on some unknown motion picture. Great also was when WILL SMITH said the greatest reason to be an action star was that ... "they actually have fans." BA-ZING, ACADEMY! At one point too, HUGH called himself by his stage name WOLVERINE (ahh thank you very much).

I suppose now the last place we can take this sum-up is to the awards themselves. No surprises, really. Maybe SLUMDOG taking CINEMATOGRAPHY - but frankly saying SLUMDOG surprised in any category borders on foolish. AMY ADAMS (if you can't love ENCHANTED than just get over it already) will have to wait another year - or two, but at least she isn't ISLA FISHER, who will be waiting the rest of her life. Once MILK got SCREENPLAY - PENN's trophy for ACTOR was less surprising. I'm classic when it comes to SOUND EDITING/MIXING - and wasn't happy to see it go to two different pictures (TDK/SLUMDOG respectively) - when either picture deserved both.

Overall it was the typical parade. A favorite night among film junkies and Americans alike. I believe the ACADEMY got the AWARDS right - regardless of whether or not they butchered the NOMINATIONS. I snapped a photo of that mini statue on top of an old four-pack of COCA COLA because who in their right mind could see a motion picture without the cool crips taste of COCA COLA CLASSIC. No one should, I tell you. This is America. We watch the motion pictures, we drink the COCA COLA, go to the baseball diamond every now and then and call it a life. What could be better?